Columbia Law Revue

Lawyers of Columbia

to "Jesus of Suburbia" by Green Day

Part I
A story told of greed and love
By the Lawyers of Columbia
With a talented cast and a kick-ass band
And shameless parodies
It's gonna be a rocking night
So grab a beer and hang on right
This minute
Welcome Harriet
Miers to our faculty

We all know she withdrew
Her nomination to
The Supreme Court and now she'll teach
EIP to you

Part I-B
He's a real celebrity
Had a show on MTV
Of his life
With his hot wife
And their perfect year of romance
His marriage failed just like his band
'Cause Jessica's way hotter than
Him, you see
By 98 degrees
And now he's lost all his fans

And even though he's Nick Lachey
He's unhappy all the same
Instead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
He's got her daughter Jane

Part II
We're failing con law, and getting C's
In our other classes thanks to EIP
It's taken over our lives
Socratic method's hard without help from friends
Ever since they banned my A-I-M
Can't read e-mail in time

Schizer, take a stand
It's already December
This time the Liebmans went too far
Schizer, take a stand
Be the dean we remember
Use your knowledge of tax law

There once was a time when we all could hate
Foundations of the Regulatory State
Now it's a first-year option
My e-mail was flooded as a matter of course
With enough pro bono hours to kill a horse
Where has Harlene Katzman gone?

Schizer, take a stand
It's already December
We're begging on our knees
Schizer, take a stand
And be the dean we remember
We'll hang your portrait in Jerome Greene

Part III
David Schizer, are you listening?
If so you'll understand the case we are making
The Liebmans' new rules have gone way too far
They make Dred Scott and Plessy seem like good law
Ooooh, oooooh
Oh, Mr. Dean, tell us what will it take
To get you up in arms, given what's at stake
Maybe we need to turn to an outside source
Recruit alumni and appeal to higher court
Ooooh, oooooh

Part IV
We fought, to be free
From Liebman tyranny
We all deserve a choice
Pro bono or EIP
The Dean, he joined our team
And Ruth Bader Ginsburg's our queen

Sadly, we had to fire
Professor Harriet Miers
Honestly, it's not her fault
She just don't know what law's about
And Nick Lachey, he's okay
He's clerking for Ginsburg today
And we earn victory
The Liebmans now are history!
We are free!

Law school already blows
Without the added fear
Of the Liebman mafia
We hope you enjoyed our show
And drank plenty of beer
You lawyers of Columbia

We're briefing
We're briefing
We're briefing
We're briefing now!

Part I
I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of Suburbia
From the bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of
Soda pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my
Sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones I got away with

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

Get my television fix
Sitting on my crucifix
The living room
Or my private womb
While the moms and brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes
And Mary Jane
To keep me insane
Doing someone else's cocaine

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

Part II
At the center of the Earth in the parking lot
Of the 7-11 where I was taught
The motto was just a lie
It says home is where your heart is, but what a shame
'Cause everyone's heart doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti in the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much but it only confirmed that
The center of the earth is the end of the world
And I could really care less

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

Part IV
Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Ooooh, oooooh
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse
Ooooh, oooooh

Part V
To live and not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies

I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist
So I run, I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time

I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize
When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home

You're leaving
You're leaving
You're leaving
Ah, you're leaving home!

Lyrics